Episode 27: Stresses and Strains Buyers Face During a Move

Sweet Home Santa Barbara Episode 26 The Moving Process

Scott Williams: Sweet Home Santa Barbara, where the skies are so blue. Sweet Home Santa Barbara, what’s worked for me can work for you.

Scott Williams: Hi. I’m Scott Williams. I’m the co-host of Sweet Home Santa Barbara and I’m here today with my co-host…

Jonathan Robinson: Jonathan Robinson.

Scott: Hi, Jonathan. Jonathan, today, we’re going to do a little talking about moving and looking at a couple who is moving. Some of the stresses and strains of the moving process. And you have the advantage of being a psychotherapist, of having written best-selling books and been on the Oprah show several times. We’re going to call upon some of your knowledge to help in this field. And because the process of moving to a new town can be a stressful situation, or just moving to a new house, puts on some strains in the relationship, let’s talk about this today. What do you observe in this area?

Jonathan: Well, they’ve done studies on stress in life, and moving is in the top 3 or something after the death of a loved one or something. People don’t think that necessarily as one of life’s most stressful events, so they’re often surprised. And I encourage people to be psychologically prepared for having some stress in their relationships because whether you’re remodeling or moving or moving to another town, it’s not just your mate, but your kids. Everybody’s up in arms. The grounding, the foundation of one’s lives is shaken when you move. So, it’s very important that you, first, take really good care of yourself. We talked about that in a previous podcast. Have ways of dealing with stress that you use every day but also, it’s really important that you take care of your relationship with your mate while doing this. Because if you don’t, you’re likely to add the stress of lots of arguing, and lots of disagreements to the stress of moving. And that feels really bad. There are things that couples can do to make sure that they’re on the same team and they’re not sniping at each other.

Scott: Well, I have experienced the need for my own counseling skills to come out when we’re in a car going from house to house, and the husband and wife are having a discussion about what works and what doesn’t work. So, I’ve certainly been there. In negotiating with a partner, in negotiating with your spouse or your partner, what do you have to say?

Jonathan: Well, the first thing is what not to do. What not to do is don’t blame, shame, and complain any more than you have to. Nobody, upon telling your partner how stupid their ideas or how wrong they are, then says, “Oh, my gosh. You’re right. I’ve been so typical all this time. Thank you for showing me the errors to my ways.” That never happens. Blame never helps. So, what you need to do is actually become better at negotiating through certain things. If one partner wants a house and the one partner really doesn’t, they might ask a question like, what would make this house more enjoyable for you? What about this house isn’t working for you? Really, asking open-ended questions, so you better understand your partner rather than telling them how wrong they are.

One of the things I like to do, or I tell people is nobody walks into my office saying, “We understand each other perfectly, that’s why we want a divorce.” What happens is that couples failed to ask these questions to really get an understanding of their partner, and that can lead to problems down the road.

Scott: I usually don’t get this in the car or the conversation. Often times, it’s just silence. I don’t like this house. Well, I do. Wow, it just disappears. The open-ended questions of like, what could do this housework? That usually doesn’t even come up.

Jonathan: Yes, and couples don’t ask questions like, what are a couple of your ideas on how we can move forward? That’s a great question because you want to find out as much information as you can about what your partner’s thinking, what they’re wanting, and what would make things better for them. And when you ask these types of questions, you’re more likely to feel like you’re on the same team rather than the silent treatment, or “I don’t like this,” or, “You’re an idiot,” and all the things that couples can do. The other thing that really helps is when looking for a house, because it’s very stressful or moving, that couples maintain rituals that bring them together. That might be a date night. It might be going to a favorite place together. It might be a nice dinner. You have to continue to feed the love in the relationship, so that you don’t end up feeling like you’re on separate teams battling each other because nothing’s worse than moving and battling your partner at the same time. That might be as simple as completing the sentence, what I appreciate about you today was. If you look hard enough, there’s always something to appreciate. I appreciate that you weren’t so stressed out today. And really, diving into these little rituals that help make a relationship more cohesive is more important than ever when you’re dealing with the stress of moving.

Scott: Well, this really makes me appreciate couples who are able to pull off the whole process of moving because it is difficult and there’s plenty of stress to go around. It does remind me that there are also couples who are new, who may not even be married to each other, that are out on the hunt, the trail to get a house to fit together. And it brings a bit of a difficulty that they’re still trying to sort out their relationship, at the same time, they’re trying to buy a house together. That’s pretty complicated.

Jonathan: Yes, that adds another layer of stress. With each layer of stress, it becomes more important that people do the things that help them to deal with stress. It’s not like an add-on. It’s a necessity that they do the things that make the relationship more cohesive. If they’re not married and the relationship status is a little unsure or insecure, then the little rituals of appreciations of dinner or date nights, and of having fun together. There’s been a statement that couples that play together, stay together. And moving can be pretty challenging. And a lot of times, we forget to keep the ingredient of playfulness and having a good time with our partner as part of the important ingredient to that relationship. So, you can’t let those things fall by the wayside when you are dealing with these types of changes in life.

Scott: Well, I’m not going to be going out on a date with a couple, but I can help supply some of the support when we’re in the process of looking for a home to help make their communication go better and have the whole process be enjoyable for them. That’s a piece that I will bring to the table for them.

Jonathan: When you were my real estate agent for a house I bought, and for when I sold, I felt that support. And I think that really comes from a very experienced real estate agent. They’re not just focused on the money. They’re focused on making a connection and working through problems with prospective clients. And I definitely felt that from you, which has then led to our friendship. And I think that when people are looking for a real estate agent, it’s important to ask themselves, do I feel supported by this person? Does this person understand us? Do they make this whole process a little bit more enjoyable?

Scott: Well, I think that trying to make buying a home an enjoyable process is a valuable thing. I think you have some really good points about the care and nurturing of the couple to make the process go better. I think those will all be very helpful things. Well, let’s thank our listeners for listening to Sweet Home Santa Barbara to this episode. And when you’re moving and you’re dealing with relationship things, I’m here for you. And if you want to talk to Jonathan, you can reach me at scott@scottwilliams.com where we could get you connected to Jonathan, if that was appropriate for you. Thank you very much.

Jonathan: Thank you.

Scott Williams: Thank you for listening. Please subscribe to our podcast on your favorite app. If you know someone preparing to sell their home, please tell them about the podcast. Visit scottwilliams.com to contact me and download the 2 free e-booklets, “Is my house saleable now?”  and “How not to buy a money pit?” Thank you for listening.